Watching Trees Die

I have 2 pine trees in my backyard that are dying.  I don’t know when they started to die, but at their current state, I doubt that I can do anything to reverse the death march they are on.   I’m not really a tree guy but I do take a look at my trees every now-and-then and I don’t recall ever seeing any warning signs that they were in trouble.  To me, I think these trees were dying a lot earlier on the inside before showing visible signs of death. So now, unfortunately, all I can do is watch as both of them will soon be completely dead.

In the same way, I believe that there are people we know in our ministry or personal lives that are on a death march.  By death I am not talking about physical death such as they are dying from cancer.  Rather, I am talking about people figuratively dying because they have a self-destructive habit they have become involved with that is killing who they are.  This can be in the form of an addiction, self-injury or something else.  Even though they are not physically dying now from this, if this habit or action is not caught and treated in time, this could lead to physical death.  So it can be very serious.

We may not see or recognize the warning signs at first. Or, even if we do see warning signs, we may even brush over them as minor and not a problem because we think that the person we are close to could not possibly be doing X, Y or Z. Regardless of our response, the simple fact is that there are people around us that are dying.  But the difference between watching trees die and watching people close to us on that death march is that there is something(s) we can do to help them.

What can you do?

• Pray. As with all things, seeking Godly wisdom is the best first step you can take.  As James 1:5 says, “If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.”  You need to seek the Lord and His wisdom on this as there is no magic formula or sequence you should take in dealing with someone with a destructive habit.  Each person will respond differently, so you need to turn to God for direction.
• Look for warning signs. If you are suspecting someone you know with a self-destructing habit, you have to look for warning signs.  Whether it is an appearance change or something not quite right with a story they shared, something tipped you off to raise some concern.  Take note of these inconsistencies.  Now, more often then not, this person knows that what he/she is doing or involved with is wrong so they may be hiding things and being very secretive.  But occasionally they will slip up and you will witness something or hear something that does not gel with their story. When you suspect something not right with this person, it is best to take note of these inconsistencies for future reference.
• Ask them questions. As soon as you have enough evidence to believe something is not right, begin to challenge them and ask them questions about what is going on. By asking them questions about things you are observing, you are taking action.  You are communicating to them that you care about them and are concerned that there might be something going on that is not right.  They may not be happy with you or feel that you are jumping to conclusions or even judging them.  But keep in mind, you are not being nosey or judging them.  You are simply concerned and care about their well-being.  Although they may not appreciate it at the time, hopefully they will in the long run.
• Confront. This involves an “intervention” of some sort.  Whether it is just you, a small group or a larger group of people, the important component here is that you and a few others confront this person in need.  Matthew 18:15-16 is a perfect example here. First confront by just yourself.  Then, if they refuse to listen and you have substantial evidence, bring in another person or two.  When you confront, either by yourself or with others, you need to have a plan for what you want this person to do.  For instance, you cannot just say, “You have a problem” without giving them a way to get out of it.  Whether you want them to join a group or get involved with some sort of counseling, you need to have an action plan for this person to take.

I see larger group (5 people or more) interventions as a last straw.  It is when you are not getting through to them and you know that others have noticed a difference in this person of need as well.  Therefore, you come together as a united, caring body and share your overall concern with your friend in need.  But know, interventions are not a 100% guarantee of working as this person may feel judged and betrayed.  They may then shut everyone of the intervention group out and all the progress you have made will have been crushed.  So, tread lightly around confrontation and intervention.  But, if it needs to happen, seek the Lord for the best possible way.

These are just a few suggestions of what you can do.  Remember, this is a person in need.  You may not realize what exactly that need is but they are involved in this destructive habit or addiction for a reason. They are trying to self-medicate themselves with their actions.  But what they really need some real help from a counselor or group.  Seek the Lord and try to help as best you can.  But in the long run, for this person to be successful in dealing with this need, you have to get them involved with someone who is trained in this area.

Do you know someone in your ministry or in your personal life that is on a death march – slowly killing themselves?  It could be a student, a member of your leadership team, a parent or a close friend.  Regardless of who it is the worse thing you could possibly do is brush over it and do nothing.  When you choose to do nothing you run a very high risk of slowly watching them die because no action is taken to help them.

TAKE A MINUTE and…

1. Ask the Lord to examine your life and to see if there is anyone in your personal or ministry life that is slowly dying.
2. Then ask Him how you should respond.

Do you have another suggestion about how to respond to people you know who are killing themselves? If so, post it so we can all benefit.

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