Dealing with Bullying

Recently bullying has come back into the national spotlight because of the Rutgers student who jumped off a bridge after 2 people posted something about his private life on the web for everyone to see.  Unfortunately, bullying is a pretty common occurrence that happens almost everywhere you go.  It happens at school, in the neighborhood, online and in sports – just to name a few.  However, one place bullying should never happen is in your ministry.  Whether you are a children’s minister, youth minister or minister to college and young adults, bullying in your program in any form should never be accepted or tolerated.  Why?  This really should be a no-brainer, but the simple answer is that bullying is counter to everything Christ believed in and stood for.  From the woman at the well to the man with leprosy, there was not one person Christ did not love.  Because of this powerful example, bullying should NEVER be tolerated in our programs.

However, as much as I say bullying should never happen in your program, it always seems easier said than done.  In fact, I can easily recall a handful of students who have been picked on in my youth program over my 13 years of doing full-time youth ministry.  Whether they were too skinny, too “nerdy”, too fat, wore glasses or just did something unlike the other guys, they were the ones being picked on.  They were bullied by their peers.  As we all know, that is unacceptable and thinking of the experiences I have had to deal with still makes my heart sink because of all the pain it caused individuals and families.

Now, I don’t think it is 100% possible to stop bullying.  After all, people are going to do what they are going to do and you can’t have eyes on everyone at all times. However, that does not mean you can’t address it and deal with it in a right manner when it does happen.  In fact, here are some of the things I have done in years past that I feel like have worked in addressing this issue:

• Talk 1-on-1 with the Bully. Sit them down and share what you are seeing and hearing.  Let them know how their actions are breaking your heart and how it goes against what Christ lived and died for.  Also let them know that if you don’t see a change in their behavior towards others, you will have to take further action, such as calling their parents.  Some verses you could use are 1 John 3:15, 2 Timothy 2:22, Romans 2:1-29
• Talk 1-on-1 with the one who is being bullied. Let them know how much you appreciate them.  More importantly, let them know how Christ feels about them and how loved they are by God.  You can also share that you have seen what is going on and how you do not approve or accept the bully’s behavior and that you are dealing with it.  Hopefully you can build up a trust with the student that they would feel comfortable sharing with you the next time they are getting picked on.  Some verses you could use are Romans 12:19-20, Psalm 18:3, Romans 8:31-39.
• Call the Bully’s parents. If things do not improve, call the parents.  Let them know what their child is doing and how it is effecting the other students.  Let them know that if their child’s behavior doesn’t improve, you are going to have to take further action against their child such as “suspending” him/her from the youth program for a time being.  Hopefully by calling them (or even meeting them in person) the child’s behavior will improve and further action does not need to happen.
• Remove the Bully from the program. If after all this the bullying does not stop, you need to bring the parents and the bully in together for a talk. It is at this point that you need to review what has happened and what action you have taken thus far.  Then share with them how you believe that the student needs to be removed from the program for a time being.  Now, this is not a permanent move, but a “suspension” of sorts.  Maybe make it a month or maybe exclude them from an upcoming trip that he/she was planning on attending.  If after this “suspension” does not sink in with the bully and he/she continues to bully even after the time away, then you probably need to remove him/her from the program for a time being.  They may not like it and you could probably “lose” him.  But the fact is, if you don’t address his/her issues, you will probably lose other students who are doing nothing wrong.

Now this is just a few ways I have chosen to handle bullying in the past.  Regardless how you choose to handle it, I believe that a key component in all of this is that you keep your Superior (whether it is the senior pastor or just your supervisor) in the know.  The more you keep them in the know of what is going on and how you are handling the situation, the more they are able to have your back if there is a backlash of sorts in any way.

So what do you think?  I am sure that you have had to deal with bullies before in your program.  How did you deal with it?

TAKE A MINUTE and think through how you have dealt with bullies in your program.  Then post a comment about it.  Maybe I missed something or maybe you disagree with how I have handled things in the past.  Regardless, post a comment so we can all learn how to deal with bullying in our programs.